Stepparent rights in Illinois: can you legally keep your ex’s new partner away from your kids? Rockford divorce and family law attorney Zach Townsend and Beth Wagner Townsend of Pro Legal Care LLC answer the stepparent questions parents and stepparents ask most.
Whether it’s your ex’s new boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, or husband, or you’re the stepmom or stepdad trying to figure out where you stand, this episode covers how Illinois family courts handle stepparents in custody, parenting time, visitation, child support, and co-parenting.
QUESTIONS WE ANSWER IN THIS EPISODE
Can I keep my ex’s new partner away from my kids?
Can a parenting plan stop my ex from introducing a new partner for six months?
Can my child’s stepmom or stepdad make them call them Mom or Dad?
What if the stepparent spends more time with my child than my ex does?
Does right of first refusal apply to a stepparent?
Is right of first refusal a good idea in a parenting plan?
Can my ex include his new wife or her new husband in all our communication?
Can a stepparent use Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents?
What if the stepparent is texting me from my ex’s phone?
Can I remove a stepparent from the school or daycare pickup list?
Can my new spouse pick up my child for my parenting time?
Can a stepparent sign school registration or medical forms?
Does my child have to go to family therapy with a stepparent?
Can my child be on a stepparent’s health insurance?
Does the court consider stepsiblings and half siblings in the parenting schedule?
Can a stepmom go to Donuts with Mom, or a stepdad to the daddy-daughter dance?
Does a new spouse’s income count for child support in Illinois?
Does having another child lower child support?
How can a stepparent get legal authority or adopt a stepchild?
Do stepparents have visitation rights after divorce?
ABOUT PRO LEGAL CARE LLC
Pro Legal Care LLC is a family law and divorce firm in Rockford, Illinois, handling divorce, custody (allocation of parental responsibilities), parenting time, child support, and stepparent issues. We serve Winnebago, Boone, Stephenson, Ogle, Lee, Jo Daviess, and Carroll Counties in Illinois, and Rock and Green Counties in Wisconsin.
Free consultation: https://prolegalcare.com/attorney-free-consultation/
Call: (815) 200-8802
Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@prolegalcare
Follow Just One Quick Question for more answers on Illinois divorce and family law.
DISCLAIMER
Just One Quick Question does not contain legal advice. The resources discussed and information provided on Just One Quick Question are not intended as and shall not be construed as or understood to be legal advice and should not be relied upon for any legal purpose. Every case is unique and fact-specific. Attorney Zach Townsend and Pro Legal Care LLC do not represent you unless and until you have executed an Engagement Agreement in writing and paid a retainer fee.
FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPTION
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I’m Zach Townsend with ProLegalCare. You’ve got just one quick question about your kid’s
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step parents. Let’s get you some quick answers.
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Just one quick question does not contain legal advice. The resources discussed and information
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provided on just one quick question are not intended as and shall not be construed as or
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understood to be legal advice and should not be relied upon for any legal purpose.
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Today, I’ve got Beth from my office, and she has all of your questions relating to step
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parents and issues related to your kids’ step parents.
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The step parent questions are coming in hot.
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We’re going to start with some real aggressive ones right off the bat.
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Can I prohibit contact with the new girlfriend, the new boyfriend, the new spouse of my ex?
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Can I prohibit them from having contact with my kids?
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Yes, aggressive right out of the gate.
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Okay, so this is what we call restrictions on parenting time or parental restrictions.
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And one of the forms of parental restrictions is that you could prohibit a certain person from being around the child.
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And a step-parent or a different type of relative by marriage or by blood can be one of these people that is prohibited from being around your child because a quote-unquote parental restriction is necessary.
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And that requires a showing of what’s called serious endangerment.
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So it’s almost like abuse.
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So bottom line, if you can prove that it caused abuse or it will cause abuse for your child
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to be around their stepmother or their stepfather, then it’s possible.
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It’s possible that you could have that person not allowed to be around their step parent,
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that child not allowed to be around their step parent.
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But that’s a high level, a very high burden.
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And most of the time, the answer is just simply no.
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But it is true that there is a special exception for people who are,
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basically have shown a history of violence or some other way of causing physical or mental
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endangerment, serious endangerment to the children, then yes, but basically no,
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unless you qualify for that, a limited exception of that nature.
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Okay. If there’s no endangerment, if it doesn’t rise to that level, can I at least put in a court
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order or make a rule that a new significant other can’t be introduced to my child or my children
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for a specific period of time until they’ve been dating six months or a year?
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Or can I make a requirement that I have to meet the person first?
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Well, that’s a tough one.
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That depends a lot on the context and that depends a lot on the judge.
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So your judge is going to have enormous discretion to make that decision
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and to decide whether or not there needs to be certain boundaries that are,
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for example, like you ask, time limits of, you know,
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it’s got to be at least six months or sometimes that will be included
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in a parenting plan where there has to be a dating relationship for at least six months before the
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child can be introduced to that significant other. Or sometimes it will be in the custody agreement
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where it says that unless there is a serious dating relationship, then the parent won’t
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introduce a partner that they are seeing if let’s say it’s on a casual basis to the children,
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only if it’s a serious relationship. So sometimes that’s in a custody agreement,
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but that’s pretty difficult to enforce. I was just going to ask, how do you enforce that?
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How, who gets to decide what serious is? And if, if we say six months and they introduce the new
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partner at four months, what’s the, what’s the remedy for that? How, well, the remedy is,
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you can’t undo it. There’s not normally any remedies for punishment in family court. If it
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caused damage, they might, the court might try to look at, okay, how can we correct the damage?
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But of course the guy’s just going to lie and say that he met her two months prior to that. And
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months and therefore there’s nothing they could do. Or maybe it’s six months by the time you actually
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get to court. And so it’s kind of a moot issue. So usually if that happens, if that term,
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if that provision that prohibits your ex from introducing the child to their new significant
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other, except for a certain period of time, if that’s included, it’s usually by agreement of the
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parties. So that’s not unheard of, but it’s usually by agreement of the parties. And it would be a
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term that would normally be reciprocal, which means that it applies to both sides, but it’s
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also going to depend on why is it a problem for this child to be exposed to a casual relationship?
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Is it a parent who has other vices related to it, like alcohol, or other vices related to it,
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like domestic violence? Sometimes all of those things go together. And if that’s the case,
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then it’s a huge issue. And it’s not just confusing for the kid because this new person
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is an adult that is not their mom or not their dad, but kind of in that role.
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Yeah, sometimes I think that the vice that they’re trying to identify is the number of, as you say, casual partners.
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You know, I don’t want my kids introduced to five different people that are, you know, the other parent’s new significant other in less than a year.
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And sometimes that, you know, sadly enough, in and of itself might not necessarily be something that is persuasive for a court to say,
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no, I’ve had enough of putting my foot down.
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You can’t do that.
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can’t introduce a new partner until six months or something like that has passed. Also, it’s very
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difficult then to enforce also because how do you distinguish whether this person is just a friend
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or not? So now there can’t be just friends of the opposite sex or how do you even identify that?
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You can’t really craft the language to fit the purpose very well in a situation like that.
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Sure, sure. So when the relationship is beyond casual and it’s undisputed, let’s say
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your ex gets married and there’s a step-parent and an illegal relationship of the marriage there.
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Wait, did you say an illegal relationship?
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I said legal relationship.
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Okay, go on, please.
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Can I prevent this step-parent from making my kid call her mom or call him dad
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or call him whatever special name I’m using as a parent?
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Okay, sometimes yes.
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And now your question was, can I prevent them from forcing the child?
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So that’s different than if the child calls the parent dad because, let’s say, the child has a little sister, a little brother, who, in fact, is the bio child of that stepdad.
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And that little sibling or older sibling, for example, calls that person dad.
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Maybe it’s just easier for the child to call that person dad.
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Yeah, a kid learning how to talk is just naturally going to probably default to the names that everybody else in the house is using for that person.
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That’s a really important point.
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If this is occurring around the time that the child is learning to talk, that’s normal and justifiable, reasonable, potentially reasonable excuse, depending on the context,
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and how damaging it might be for that child to look at that person like a dad or look at that person like a mom.
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But it also depends on the place of the child’s development.
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So if there’s a 12-year-old who meets a step-parent for the first time, and then that person starts calling that parent, that step-parent dad, that step-parent mom, that’s not really as excusable.
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And it seems to be a little bit more in the nature of maybe intending to alienate that child from the biological parent.
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Or perhaps forced.
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Perhaps the child isn’t wanting to use that label yet.
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Right.
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So a lot of it really depends on the context.
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But generally, you’re going to have a lot of judges in our state, in the state of Illinois, that will say, let’s not force a child to call the step-parent mom.
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Let’s not force a child to call the step-parent dad because that’s not necessary and that’s not appropriate.
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But if there is a circumstance where that child just happens to call that person mom, just happens to call that person dad, well, it’s going to depend on the context, how that happened, the child’s comfort level, what that means.
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and how if this person really is a positive influence on this child, it’s going to make a
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difference. It’s going to be less of a problem if this is a really loving, positive role model in
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this child’s life that’s there for this child compared to somebody who’s a felon who has no
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job. I mean, excuse me, is in between jobs. You know, that’s going to be a very different situation.
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You know, and I also think the length of time that it’s been happening, the number of times
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that it’s been happening. I mean, did you overhear your child slip up and say mom once,
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or is this a repeated pattern? I mean, we’ve all accidentally called a teacher mom or something
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along those lines. So yes, is this something that’s been, you know, forced on the child and
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is happening for a long period of time? Or was this a slip up during an exchange and you should
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just kind of laugh off the awkwardness of it and move on? Right. Or is it something, you know,
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that’s meant to be for maybe it’s like a father’s day type of a card and there’s there’s no stepdad
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card or i bet there’s stepdad cards yeah i bet you’re right but something that maybe is like
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maybe step the word stepdad doesn’t fit and the word dad does or maybe it’s a keychain that says
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dad or something cute and hokey like that where if it makes them feel special and have share a bond
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and it doesn’t interfere or undercut the biological parent and maybe it’s not a problem you know it
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just depends on the context. But the repetition, like you said, if it’s every day, that’s very
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different than like, oh, he got a keychain that says dad. That’s a very different scenario.
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I hear you. All right. To our next question. I think the step parent is the one who’s actually
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exercising their time with my child. I drop my kid off according to the schedule. I never see
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the bio parent. I’m not sure they’re even there. My kid comes home and has lots of stories about
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stepmom, but doesn’t seem to have spent any time with dad. What can I do about that?
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Well, first you want to ask yourself, is the child being with dad more dangerous for the child than the child being with stepmom?
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Maybe it’s not quite the problem that you think that it is.
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If it is going to be worse, if that person is there, usually that’s not the case.
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But that’s something to think about because this is not necessarily about righteousness or morality.
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This is about the tools that the law allows for us to use tangible remedies that we can pursue in court.
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And if the judge doesn’t have the authority to grant the remedies, then there’s not necessarily something that we can do there.
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So one other example of a tool for a situation like this is called the right of first refusal.
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The right of first refusal says that if you’re designated to have parenting time, but you’re unavailable during your parenting time, then you have to offer the child to the other parent before leaving the child with a non-parent.
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So if the right of first refusal applies and it says that if there’s a time that dad can’t be present for dad’s parenting time, that dad has to offer the child to mom, well, then that would hopefully solve that issue as well.
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So on the topic of right of first refusal, if my parenting plan has right of first refusal set up and my child has a stepmother and step siblings in that house and dad’s going to be, you know, away on a business trip or something.
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According to the right of first refusal, can I withhold my child that weekend?
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Is their time with the stepmother or the step-siblings or the half-siblings part of what their time is?
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Does it matter if the step-parent is married to my kid’s bio-parent or not?
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If they’re just a girlfriend, if they’re a wife?
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How does that work?
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Yes, well, that’s very complicated.
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This is a great example of how there is no one quick question.
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All those things do matter.
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And the more serious the relationship, the more likely it is going to be acceptable that the parent who is the bio parent, the dad in this example, wouldn’t be there.
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So also the more special the bond and the more healthy the bond and the more appropriate and the closeness and the quality of that relationship that the child has with that step parent is going to be part of the consideration that the judge is going to look at when deciding, hey, did dad make a wrong move by leaving the child with a non-parent, quote unquote,
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When the mom was available to keep the child and dad just wanted to exercise his right to parenting time, even though, well, he’s the parent and he didn’t take the time because he wasn’t present.
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Those details about the closeness of the relationship and the healthiness and the quality and the length and the legality, like you said, if they’re married, that’s different too.
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All of those things matter in that type of analysis.
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But one component that shows how layered this question is, is that we can get pretty far afield here in the right of first refusal.
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So it’s going to very much depend on what the terms of your right of first refusal provisions say.
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So the right of first refusal is not automatic.
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The right of first refusal has to be included in a court order, a custody agreement, a parenting plan, or an allocation of parental rights and responsibilities.
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So it has to be spelled out and signed and, you know, ordered by a judge or else it doesn’t apply.
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And there’s specific terms about how it applies.
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It could specifically say in the right of first refusal terms, this doesn’t apply to immediate family.
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And then it wouldn’t apply in this example.
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Or it could specifically say, and this is another important part, that the right of first refusal doesn’t apply unless it’s for eight hours or more or 12 hours or more or overnight or more.
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All types of different varieties of right of first refusal provisions exist out there.
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And any of those three examples that I just gave you would allow for a stepmom to be present while the bio dad is not there during that parent’s parenting time, so long as it’s not more than eight hours.
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So it’s going to really depend on all the terms, the fine print, if you will, that’s included in your custody agreement.
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Sure. So just generally speaking, regardless of whether there is step-parent drama or not, do you recommend including the right of first refusal in a parenting plan? Do you like the right of first refusal?
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Good question. It’s a nice idea, but in practice, it’s a little bit challenging and it requires a lot of good cooperation and communication and good faith co-parenting. So if the good faith co-parenting is not there, the right of first refusal is going to be a very difficult tool to utilize and provision to implement and can even be weaponized against you.
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because if you have a parent on the other side who is overly aggressive or you have an abusive ex
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and you have the right of first refusal, they’re going to say that gives them the right to know
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where you are all the time and how long it was that you were away from the kids and when and
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when you returned and where were you during that time and what is your exact physical location right
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now? A type of aggressive interrogation, if that’s your ex, then the right of first refusal
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might not be for you. It’s a nice idea because it is sensible that if a parent is
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available and the child’s not with a parent, well, then maybe the child should be with a parent.
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But that’s the type of thing that maybe could be accomplished with a good, healthy co-parenting
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relationship where the parents communicate and talk to each other and cooperate and have their
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own flexibility based on the child’s needs and their current schedule and the parent’s current
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schedule. And then they could have a sort of right of first refusal where they offer the child to the
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other parent during their parenting time when they’re unavailable informally and not required in
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in a court order because it’s not automatic and it has to be included, the right of first refusal
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that is in a parenting plan or a different type of court order for it to even apply. It’s not
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automatically. So the right of first refusal is almost a tool for the people who are reasonable
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and already have a good level of communication and are probably the people who don’t need it
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to be in a court order, unfortunately. Right, right. They might need the decision at the
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front end, okay, are we going to do it this way or not? Some of them might say, I don’t agree with
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that. I will have the opportunity and ability and legal right to designate a responsible caregiver
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and arrange for a responsible care plan during my parenting time when I’m not available,
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like arranging for your child to go to a sleepover at a friend’s house. There’s nothing wrong with
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that. Oh, but then we’re potentially having the conversation of the right of first refusal.
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The kid can’t go on a sleepover because the other parent might say, hey, this triggers
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the right of first refusal.
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They should be at my house instead.
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Right.
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Right.
00:16:03,210 –> 00:16:05,620
Or what if they want to have a special auntie night or uncle night?
00:16:05,960 –> 00:16:06,900
Grandma and grandpa weekend.
00:16:07,640 –> 00:16:07,880
Right.
00:16:08,230 –> 00:16:08,320
Right.
00:16:08,760 –> 00:16:11,080
And so judges, by the way, some judges are grandpas.
00:16:11,640 –> 00:16:17,040
They understand that the right of first refusal doesn’t just apply blanketly to everybody
00:16:17,450 –> 00:16:21,620
anytime, no matter who you are, whether you’re a grandpa compared to you’re some neighbor.
00:16:21,920 –> 00:16:24,300
Very different role in a child’s life there.
00:16:24,620 –> 00:16:24,780
Okay.
00:16:25,120 –> 00:16:27,140
Let’s switch over to communication for a minute.
00:16:27,540 –> 00:16:32,160
I’ve got a lot of quick questions about communication when step-parents are involved.
00:16:32,580 –> 00:16:39,420
The first is my ex includes this step-parent, his new wife, her new husband, in all of our
00:16:39,620 –> 00:16:39,980
communications.
00:16:40,340 –> 00:16:41,380
They’re copied on the emails.
00:16:41,620 –> 00:16:42,480
They’re in the group chat.
00:16:42,900 –> 00:16:45,740
I can’t be on the phone with him if she’s not on the line also.
00:16:46,300 –> 00:16:50,720
What can I do about that so that I can talk to just my child’s parent about the parenting
00:16:50,940 –> 00:16:52,580
topics I need to communicate about?
00:16:52,680 –> 00:16:54,160
So that’s a good question.
00:16:54,260 –> 00:17:14,140
And it really depends on the context, you see, because the presence of another person, even if this person doesn’t have any legal rights or shouldn’t have any legal rights or doesn’t have any biological children of their own, the presence of the step parent that is in and of itself usually is not a problem to most judges.
00:17:14,620 –> 00:17:27,920
There are special scenarios such as court-ordered mediation does not usually permit a step-parent or your ex’s new partner or your ex’s significant other currently to be present for mediation.
00:17:28,060 –> 00:17:30,580
Usually that doesn’t apply and that’s not allowed.
00:17:31,080 –> 00:17:39,740
But, for example, sometimes most judges, for example, would be okay with a stepmother being present for a parent-teacher conference.
00:17:40,520 –> 00:17:43,460
Now, that doesn’t mean that everyone has to be present together.
00:17:43,680 –> 00:17:49,100
It doesn’t mean that they have to participate as one big, happy family.
00:17:49,980 –> 00:18:10,080
But if each parent is permitted to have their parent-teacher conferences and they each could bring their partner, then the idea really is, in a lot of circumstances, that as many loving, positive, good, adult, healthy, influential role models that we could have on our kids, the better.
00:18:10,500 –> 00:18:11,840
That’s going to be supportive.
00:18:12,300 –> 00:18:13,280
You know, it takes a village.
00:18:13,620 –> 00:18:18,760
It’s not something where just two people are going to be most well-equipped.
00:18:18,890 –> 00:18:20,240
It should be a whole team.
00:18:20,760 –> 00:18:21,980
And that’s the ideal.
00:18:22,440 –> 00:18:24,800
But you see, it doesn’t work that way in practice often.
00:18:24,970 –> 00:18:26,760
Because what happens is there’s antagonism.
00:18:27,180 –> 00:18:27,640
There’s inflammation.
00:18:27,990 –> 00:18:29,420
Basically, she’s goading you.
00:18:29,520 –> 00:18:36,580
She’s trying to undercut you, trying to discourage the child from even maybe following your rules.
00:18:36,980 –> 00:18:38,140
Some big problems.
00:18:38,460 –> 00:18:41,420
So it has to be in a broader context.
00:18:41,880 –> 00:18:46,580
if this person is a rabble rouser, if this step parent is a troublemaker and wants to just pour
00:18:46,780 –> 00:18:50,900
kerosene on the fire and make all the problems worse because everything is a big drama show and
00:18:51,040 –> 00:18:56,780
everything has got to be some kind of scene and episode that has to be created because this person
00:18:56,940 –> 00:19:01,540
loves conflict and thrives off of it and brings conflict with them everywhere they go because
00:19:01,760 –> 00:19:05,480
that’s just the way that they are. Well, then no, they shouldn’t be a part of the group text.
00:19:05,730 –> 00:19:09,520
Absolutely not. It just depends on how they fit into the life of the child.
00:19:10,080 –> 00:19:19,320
Do you ever see judges either order or bar a step-parent from being involved in a parenting platform like, let’s say, Our Family Wizard?
00:19:19,680 –> 00:19:24,400
The family has Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents ordered for the communication tool.
00:19:25,140 –> 00:19:27,420
What’s the step-parent’s role in one of those apps?
00:19:27,720 –> 00:19:28,800
So, good question.
00:19:29,520 –> 00:19:36,360
It would be exceedingly rare for a judge to order that a step-parent has to be on Our Family Wizard.
00:19:36,760 –> 00:19:46,340
It’s certainly not out of the realm of possibilities if that step parent wants to participate in the raising up of that child and to communicate with the parent on the other side.
00:19:46,420 –> 00:19:49,160
There’s a lot that goes on in those apps besides communication.
00:19:49,440 –> 00:19:50,660
There’s the family calendar.
00:19:51,320 –> 00:19:53,580
There’s the doctor’s appointments on the calendar.
00:19:53,840 –> 00:19:56,920
There’s the school play and the rehearsal schedule.
00:19:57,320 –> 00:20:02,720
There’s the contact database of who the kid’s doctors are and who their dentist is.
00:20:02,900 –> 00:20:07,860
And those things can all be incredibly necessary for, you know, getting a kid through life.
00:20:08,380 –> 00:20:20,280
Right, right. And statements and other types of academic calendars, the sports calendar, all the, you know, the tournament for the whatever activity the child is in.
00:20:20,340 –> 00:20:25,080
All that can be uploaded to those these apps like Our Family Wizard or like Talking Parents.
00:20:25,320 –> 00:20:30,140
And sometimes a step parent would be permitted to be included on Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents.
00:20:30,300 –> 00:20:37,460
But to answer your question specifically about, have I seen it where a judge prohibits a step
00:20:37,680 –> 00:20:39,340
parent from being involved on that?
00:20:39,660 –> 00:20:40,500
Yes, absolutely.
00:20:40,660 –> 00:20:45,920
In a circumstance where a step parent has proven themselves to be very inflammatory,
00:20:46,780 –> 00:20:54,060
very high conflict, interested in more so in being a part of the problem instead of part
00:20:54,060 –> 00:20:59,419
of the solution, just to put it bluntly, then absolutely the judge can say that the step
00:20:59,440 –> 00:21:05,040
parent is not allowed to communicate on behalf of the parent to the other parent. So it’s funny,
00:21:05,440 –> 00:21:09,720
it’s funny that you say on behalf of, because that actually leads really well into our next
00:21:09,940 –> 00:21:18,600
question, which is, I’m not copied with the step parent, but I suspect that the texts or the emails
00:21:19,060 –> 00:21:24,140
or the, our family wizard communications that I’m receiving from the other biological parents,
00:21:24,240 –> 00:21:31,960
from my co-parent are actually the stepmother or the stepfather sending messages and claiming to be
00:21:32,300 –> 00:21:35,780
my kid’s parent. How can I prove that? And what can I do about that?
00:21:36,090 –> 00:21:40,920
Right. Well, very good question. So now to be clear, these are two different problems. This
00:21:40,920 –> 00:21:47,259
is a problem where essentially the stepmom grabs the ex’s phone and says, I’ll just text her back
00:21:47,280 –> 00:21:54,980
myself. While the first example was the, let’s say the ex includes his new wife on every communication,
00:21:55,540 –> 00:22:00,880
just to back up for a second, if that person doesn’t chime in, if that stepmom doesn’t say,
00:22:01,100 –> 00:22:05,140
this is what I think, and they’re just copied on that, almost certainly won’t be a problem.
00:22:05,660 –> 00:22:09,920
Just so you know, it’s not in and of itself a problem. No one’s going to care about that.
00:22:10,340 –> 00:22:15,339
Right. No one’s going to care about that. Moving forward to where you said that, okay, we suspect
00:22:15,360 –> 00:22:21,760
that the person who is actually on the other side of the phone or behind that laptop sending that
00:22:21,880 –> 00:22:28,620
email is the person who is the stepparent, not the actual parent. So again, I’ve seen multiple
00:22:28,880 –> 00:22:33,420
situations where the judge enters a court order. The judge suspects that’s happening. The judge
00:22:33,480 –> 00:22:40,060
enters a court order that says only the petitioner, let’s say that’s the dad in this hypothetical case,
00:22:40,420 –> 00:22:44,840
only the petitioner is allowed to communicate with the respondent through our family wizard.
00:22:45,380 –> 00:22:49,060
the petitioner’s wife shall not communicate with the respondent through our family wizard
00:22:49,620 –> 00:22:54,220
nor shall any of the petitioner’s family members the petitioner’s mother’s not permitted to
00:22:54,440 –> 00:22:57,840
communicate acting like he’s the she’s the petitioner and a lot of times that does happen
00:22:57,990 –> 00:23:02,640
because a lot of people are involved in helping raise a child and they’ll chime in and say tell
00:23:02,760 –> 00:23:06,240
her this tell her that okay i’ll just you know give me the phone i’ll tell her myself you know so
00:23:06,540 –> 00:23:13,759
if it’s clear and if it’s inflammatory then yeah the judge will say you can’t do that but there
00:23:13,780 –> 00:23:19,260
again. How is that enforced if the judge can’t be there sitting in the living room knowing that the
00:23:19,300 –> 00:23:24,960
phone just got put in front of the other person instead of the parent? Right. How are we proving
00:23:25,180 –> 00:23:30,320
it? How are we proving it? Like he doesn’t spell as many words wrong as she would have? Like what?
00:23:30,720 –> 00:23:35,840
That’s a good start, honestly. There’s not a lot of other ways to go about it other than that.
00:23:36,840 –> 00:23:41,219
Maybe, yeah. I mean, was he not near his phone? I don’t know how we would prove it. So it’s a
00:23:41,240 –> 00:23:45,840
difficult thing. But one thing to keep in mind though, again, is there a genuine problem that
00:23:45,840 –> 00:23:52,000
we need to solve here? Because I’ve seen multiple situations where the step-mom is actually
00:23:52,540 –> 00:23:57,080
facilitating communication in a much better way than these two parents have ever had communication
00:23:57,560 –> 00:24:05,939
before. Or the step-mom acts as a little bit of a filter to provide some kind of…
00:24:07,240 –> 00:24:15,060
intermediary. Yeah. Or bumpers or guardrails for this guy that maybe needs them. And maybe it’s not
00:24:15,060 –> 00:24:21,780
a horrible thing that there’s another person that is involved. That is if they’re a good person that
00:24:21,980 –> 00:24:27,220
has good intentions and knows that the child’s needs need to be put first and they have a healthy
00:24:27,360 –> 00:24:31,199
relationship or are striving for a healthy relationship with this child that they’re
00:24:31,220 –> 00:24:37,900
getting to know and having this bond. If they’re positive, loving, influential role model and all
00:24:38,000 –> 00:24:42,780
that stuff, what is really the problem that we’re trying to solve here? Judge will ask that too.
00:24:43,060 –> 00:24:49,680
Okay. Thank you. Can I take the step-parent off of the pickup list at school or at daycare or
00:24:50,000 –> 00:24:54,940
on the flip side, I’m the step-parent that keeps getting removed and this is really messing up
00:24:55,100 –> 00:25:01,180
transportation for our exchanges or really interfering with the parenting time? How does
00:25:01,200 –> 00:25:06,060
pickup list at school work? So that’s a good question. And that is going to be stated in the
00:25:06,280 –> 00:25:11,300
parenting plan of the custody agreement. And there will be potentially provisions about naming
00:25:11,720 –> 00:25:17,160
emergency contacts. A lot of times it’ll specify that a person who’s an emergency contact or a
00:25:17,160 –> 00:25:21,700
person who’s an authorized pickup person on the pickup list has to include the parents,
00:25:22,200 –> 00:25:26,960
or sometimes it might say it has to include the step parents. But if it doesn’t say that,
00:25:27,040 –> 00:25:31,840
then it may include the step parents. And if it doesn’t say that they’re not permitted,
00:25:32,300 –> 00:25:37,020
well, then they’re allowed. So what do the terms of the parenting plan say? What do the terms of
00:25:37,080 –> 00:25:41,540
the custody agreement say? If the custody agreement and the parenting plan and all the court orders
00:25:41,780 –> 00:25:46,440
about all this are silent on it and doesn’t say what you have to do or what you don’t have to do
00:25:46,460 –> 00:25:49,700
or who you have to be allowed to add on the pickup list or who you’re not allowed to add to the
00:25:49,780 –> 00:25:55,980
pickup list, well, then it’s a little bit of the context that we don’t have real specific instruction.
00:25:56,580 –> 00:26:17,260
The judge will have to decide ultimately if the other side is blocking you as a step parent from being on or if you believe that a step parent should not be on and they keep adding themselves, you can go to court and the judge could order that that person not be allowed to add themselves back on or that the other person not be allowed to remove a step parent from the pickup list from school.
00:26:17,700 –> 00:26:32,080
That can be part of it, but it also has to do with the exchange of the child just for the start of regular parenting time, because it’s not just when the child is sick and the child needs to be picked up because they need to come home because they’re ill while they’re at school.
00:26:32,380 –> 00:26:36,480
But it has to do with if the start of your parenting time is when school ends.
00:26:36,940 –> 00:26:50,080
And lots of people do this because that’s a very, you know, low, low contact, low drama way to handle exchanges is that a parent drops the child off at school and a different parent picks up the child at the end of the day.
00:26:50,360 –> 00:26:53,720
And we’ve had basically a contact free exchange.
00:26:54,100 –> 00:26:54,900
It’s in a lot of plans.
00:26:55,070 –> 00:26:55,520
It’s beautiful, actually.
00:26:56,240 –> 00:26:58,980
It’s really it’s really an important way and a helpful way.
00:26:59,280 –> 00:27:04,840
the kids out of a conflict scenario because the visitation exchanges or those transitions where
00:27:04,840 –> 00:27:10,660
the child has picked up or dropped off is known to be high conflict opportunity. And so it’s usually
00:27:10,760 –> 00:27:16,040
a good thing to use the school as an opportunity for the exchange, essentially, where one picks up
00:27:16,300 –> 00:27:21,060
the child from school and then drops the child off at school the next day. And sometimes that would
00:27:21,060 –> 00:27:26,380
be a step parent. So this gets into another question that we often get, which is, I just want
00:27:26,400 –> 00:27:32,340
my new spouse to be able to pick up my child for the start of my parenting time. Again, it depends
00:27:32,380 –> 00:27:36,820
on what the terms specifically say in the custody agreement. It depends on what the terms say in the
00:27:37,000 –> 00:27:41,780
parenting plan. But generally speaking, nobody would be expected to, unless it’s very clearly
00:27:42,000 –> 00:27:46,140
stated that this is a requirement, generally speaking, I don’t believe it would be reasonable
00:27:46,160 –> 00:27:50,260
for anyone to be expected to always be the one to be doing the pickup without ever having someone
00:27:50,400 –> 00:27:55,060
help them, without ever sending their mom or their sister or their spouse or somebody that could
00:27:55,080 –> 00:28:00,560
participate and help. Again, it takes a village. And to be completely reasonable,
00:28:01,340 –> 00:28:07,520
even parents who are still married and to each other are often having grandma and grandpa or a
00:28:07,720 –> 00:28:13,200
friend or the neighbor pop in to help with some of those, you know, get the kids to football
00:28:13,570 –> 00:28:18,280
practice types of situations. Yeah. Yeah. Then that’s an excellent point. And that’s part of
00:28:18,480 –> 00:28:23,720
what I think helps explain situations that would be otherwise troubling for a lot of people or
00:28:23,740 –> 00:28:29,160
situations that are troubling for a lot of people. And that, for example, goes back to your question
00:28:29,380 –> 00:28:35,720
about what happens when the parent is not available during their parenting time. And stepmom is
00:28:36,020 –> 00:28:42,100
basically the one exercising dad’s parenting time. Well, if you two were happily married like you
00:28:42,460 –> 00:28:47,140
supposedly were before, if everything worked out, the child would be with a non-parent a lot of times.
00:28:47,740 –> 00:28:52,500
Both parents would be gone a lot of times. And it’s unrealistic to think whether they’re in a
00:28:52,520 –> 00:28:57,620
a good relationship together or they’re in a so-called intact family or, you know, parents are
00:28:58,320 –> 00:29:02,600
still married or not. It’s not realistic to think that the child’s never going to be with someone
00:29:02,760 –> 00:29:08,500
who’s not a parent. And so it’s even less realistic to think that to be true with when the parents are
00:29:08,720 –> 00:29:12,280
separated. So the judges have a lot of patience for that. They really are looking at the effect,
00:29:12,480 –> 00:29:15,840
not really looking at the quote unquote appropriateness of the relationship necessarily.
00:29:15,900 –> 00:29:20,580
They look at how does this actually harm the child? I think that so-called intact families
00:29:20,600 –> 00:29:25,940
should be either your title of your memoir or maybe your first album. We’ve got some questions
00:29:26,420 –> 00:29:34,680
that get into medical situations. Can a step-parent sign school registration forms or medical forms
00:29:35,400 –> 00:29:40,600
or things of that nature? So very good question. Again, it depends. We’re all trying to figure out
00:29:40,720 –> 00:29:44,700
how to do this. There’s no protocol for whatever this is. There’s no parenting guidebook. So
00:29:45,040 –> 00:29:49,260
sometimes a step-parent might be put in a situation where they have to sign something and
00:29:49,280 –> 00:29:53,260
They feel like as the parental person that that’s what they should do.
00:29:53,590 –> 00:29:57,760
And sometimes it might even say mother or father’s signature and they sign it.
00:29:57,990 –> 00:29:59,380
Well, that’s not really truthful, is it?
00:29:59,820 –> 00:30:00,740
Maybe that would be a problem.
00:30:01,190 –> 00:30:01,520
It depends.
00:30:02,120 –> 00:30:05,780
Is it to say that they were present for the cheerleading orientation?
00:30:06,340 –> 00:30:13,180
That’s very different than if it’s to say we authorize the use of HD drugs or something like that.
00:30:13,270 –> 00:30:17,200
So it’s going to very much depend on the situation and then also on the wording of the document
00:30:17,290 –> 00:30:18,760
because it might say parent or guardian.
00:30:19,260 –> 00:30:26,300
And yes, is the step-parent a guardian? Not really, but there is a legal step-parent-step-child relationship there.
00:30:26,650 –> 00:30:32,940
And that comes with legal rights that step-parents have, even to visitation sometimes. We’ll talk about that in a few.
00:30:34,020 –> 00:30:37,160
The step-parent-step-child relationship is a legal relationship.
00:30:37,240 –> 00:30:50,420
Yeah, and what I’m hearing is that there’s a big difference in whether or not the step-parent is claiming to be a different legal relationship than they actually are versus signing as one of the many guardians of this child.
00:30:51,000 –> 00:31:04,580
So if they’re signing their own name, not the name of their spouse, if they’re indicating that they’re a step-parent and not claiming to be the biological or legal mother, it’s a different scenario depending on the context of the signature and the context of the form.
00:31:04,980 –> 00:31:19,540
Right. And it’s less likely to be a problem that way. Now, if you have a step parent, let’s say it’s a stepdad that brings the child to a doctor and says, I’m the dad or brings the child to school and represents themselves like I’m the dad of this child.
00:31:20,220 –> 00:31:25,720
And maybe they’re the boyfriend of the mom or the husband of the mom of the child, but they’re not the dad.
00:31:26,140 –> 00:31:30,160
But they go around telling everybody that and they get people thinking that and they get people relying on that.
00:31:30,560 –> 00:31:47,060
And then they get people to make decisions based off that, basically allowing them to have some kind of masked or fraudulent authority, parental authority, especially if they’re making important decisions that affect the well-being of the child, especially if it’s changing things up or affecting the well-being of the child in a negative way.
00:31:47,520 –> 00:31:48,460
That could be a big problem.
00:31:48,750 –> 00:31:52,220
And then they could be court-ordered to no longer make decisions about the child.
00:31:52,270 –> 00:31:53,220
And they could be court-ordered.
00:31:53,880 –> 00:32:00,540
A step-parent could be ordered to not represent themselves as a parent or to stop signing medical
00:32:01,020 –> 00:32:07,080
authorizations. And even more to the point, it would usually be the parent to say,
00:32:07,500 –> 00:32:12,720
stop letting your new spouse do that. It’s your responsibility. So that’s possible.
00:32:13,220 –> 00:32:20,740
Okay. Does my kid have to go to therapy with a step-parent? Let’s say that this new blended family
00:32:20,740 –> 00:32:26,160
is doing family therapy and my kid does not want to go or I don’t want my kid to go, what happens?
00:32:26,600 –> 00:32:31,580
Whatever the counselor says. It’s going to depend a lot on circumstances. It would normally not be
00:32:31,720 –> 00:32:35,380
necessary for a step-parent to be involved in counseling. If a step-parent has to be involved
00:32:35,390 –> 00:32:39,360
in counseling, then it might not be a good situation to begin with. If the step-parent
00:32:39,390 –> 00:32:44,260
needs to reunify with the child because of some kind of incident or episode, then maybe there does
00:32:44,320 –> 00:32:47,940
need to be counseling. There could be family counseling. There could be reunification counseling.
00:32:47,980 –> 00:33:13,560
If the step-parent is a part of the issue that led to a problem in the relationship, such as maybe the biological father is causing the child to be alienated from the step-father by poisoning the child’s thought process on this person being a bad person, for example, then there could be a situation where a counselor would be needed.
00:33:13,780 –> 00:33:20,000
But most of the time, it’s not. Most of the time, the step parent would not be involved or participating in the counseling.
00:33:20,090 –> 00:33:28,660
But they could be in a situation like that or they could be where it’s really hard on the family because of whatever reason that person has a role in it.
00:33:28,900 –> 00:33:38,480
Sure. OK. So this is an incredibly specific question that I have gotten a large number of times for such an incredibly specific question.
00:33:38,580 –> 00:33:39,160
Okay.
00:33:39,440 –> 00:33:48,840
My ex was ordered to carry the medical insurance for our child, but the policy is in his new wife’s name, and I don’t like that.
00:33:49,200 –> 00:33:52,820
What can I do so that my child isn’t on the step-parent’s insurance?
00:33:53,360 –> 00:33:54,720
They’re on my ex’s insurance.
00:33:55,100 –> 00:33:56,560
It depends. Why don’t you like that?
00:33:57,000 –> 00:34:01,680
I think that the reasons that we hear on this one are that, you know, there’s access to information.
00:34:02,360 –> 00:34:04,280
There’s explanation of benefits forms.
00:34:04,740 –> 00:34:07,620
There’s maybe a lack of access to information on my side.
00:34:07,720 –> 00:34:15,639
You know, now I have to communicate with the new wife to figure out which doctors are included in the HMO, those sorts of issues.
00:34:15,960 –> 00:34:19,280
Sure. Well, that makes it sound very reasonable when you put it that way.
00:34:20,399 –> 00:34:23,280
I’m sure I can come up with some unreasonable ones as well for you.
00:34:23,540 –> 00:34:29,220
I won’t ask you to try. I think oftentimes it just doesn’t sit right with people.
00:34:29,320 –> 00:34:38,740
It just doesn’t feel comfortable that this woman, who’s not the mother of the child, has the child on their medical.
00:34:39,399 –> 00:34:43,580
This is personal, very private, very personal stuff, their medical policy.
00:34:44,080 –> 00:34:46,840
And then there’s the kid’s name, her name on the insurance card.
00:34:47,200 –> 00:34:51,200
And right beneath that is her kids and then your kids, who’s not her kids.
00:34:51,720 –> 00:34:52,639
Shouldn’t be that way.
00:34:52,639 –> 00:34:53,460
It doesn’t feel right.
00:34:53,580 –> 00:34:55,060
It’s not comfortable.
00:34:55,520 –> 00:34:59,500
But if the child’s getting insurance that way, is it better insurance than through dad?
00:34:59,550 –> 00:35:00,200
Is dad unable to provide insurance?
00:35:00,200 –> 00:35:07,160
I was just going to say, this is probably a decision that was made because it’s better insurance or it’s more cost-effective insurance.
00:35:07,740 –> 00:35:12,880
Right. Or if dad doesn’t even have insurance available through the employer, maybe he doesn’t have a job.
00:35:13,580 –> 00:35:19,100
If there is no other insurance available, it’s a no-brainer to put the child on the insurance of the step-parent.
00:35:19,460 –> 00:35:21,720
Now, it’s sort of like this.
00:35:21,910 –> 00:35:24,860
The judge doesn’t really care where the insurance comes from.
00:35:25,060 –> 00:35:27,540
if the child has insurance and the child has good insurance,
00:35:28,090 –> 00:35:29,340
the judge is probably going to say,
00:35:29,500 –> 00:35:30,900
let’s get the child the best insurance available,
00:35:31,390 –> 00:35:32,900
whether, you know, no matter who it is,
00:35:33,080 –> 00:35:34,440
let’s put them on stepdad’s insurance.
00:35:34,510 –> 00:35:38,120
I don’t care as long as it’s the best insurance available for the child.
00:35:38,660 –> 00:35:41,060
And the best insurance means, of course, the quality of the coverage,
00:35:41,170 –> 00:35:42,780
but also the cost of the coverage.
00:35:43,100 –> 00:35:45,740
If the coverage is the same through dad’s employer,
00:35:46,260 –> 00:35:49,120
but two or three times the price as the same coverage
00:35:49,420 –> 00:35:50,760
through dad’s new wife’s employer,
00:35:51,160 –> 00:35:54,120
that doesn’t make any sense that that dad would pay two or three times the price.
00:35:54,520 –> 00:35:58,380
So that way we don’t have to look at the child’s name on the same insurance card as stepmom.
00:35:58,700 –> 00:36:03,840
But now there’s a legit reason like stepmom has gone in and posed as mom.
00:36:04,420 –> 00:36:24,160
Stepmom has gone in and removed mom as an authorized user on the MyChart app or has added themselves in a way that wasn’t permitted, has canceled doctor’s appointments, has used the sensitive personal information, private medical records of your child to create conflict and stoke the flames.
00:36:24,260 –> 00:36:31,360
then maybe dad should be paying twice as much for the same coverage because stepmom can’t get enough drama.
00:36:31,840 –> 00:36:38,700
And this is not appropriate because it’s not reasonable in the circumstances because it’s being exploited by some opportunist stepmom
00:36:39,180 –> 00:36:42,660
who is not really trying to be part of the solution, but is trying to make things worse.
00:36:43,240 –> 00:36:45,100
Okay, that’s a completely different scenario.
00:36:45,640 –> 00:36:46,640
That’s a completely different scenario.
00:36:46,800 –> 00:36:49,640
And the judge will say, no, we’re not going to have the child on the insurance then.
00:36:49,780 –> 00:36:55,100
But it’s sort of a starting point that we’re all in it together and we all have good intentions.
00:36:55,480 –> 00:36:56,500
Sure, sure.
00:36:56,610 –> 00:37:19,600
So like nearly every other example we’ve had, the specific people involved in this case and their temperaments and their behavior and the history of their patterns of behavior in front of this judge are going to have a lot of influence over how the judge or the guardian ad litem or other experts involved in the case are going to feel about the step parents.
00:37:19,720 –> 00:37:24,280
involvement in the child’s life. And how they feel, unfortunately, is a very important part of this
00:37:24,620 –> 00:37:31,060
because we all as human beings, of course, apply our own experiences to what we see in front of us.
00:37:31,240 –> 00:37:36,800
And our own history provides like a lens to create our perspective, of course. And so what was the
00:37:36,940 –> 00:37:41,320
judge’s history? Is the judge a step parent? What was the judge’s history? What was the judge’s
00:37:41,580 –> 00:37:46,099
history? You know, recently did the judge wake up on the wrong side of the bed? It’s going to depend
00:37:46,120 –> 00:37:51,340
on a lot of different factors, a lot of different factors, but we’re all human. Yeah. Let’s talk
00:37:51,460 –> 00:37:59,140
about schedules, visitation, parenting time. Does the court consider the step mom or step dad’s
00:37:59,360 –> 00:38:05,760
schedule or the schedule of the other children? Maybe there’s step siblings or half siblings.
00:38:06,240 –> 00:38:13,200
How do these schedules mesh? And, you know, do I have to yield to time to make sure that my kids
00:38:13,220 –> 00:38:18,600
have time with their step-siblings? Short answer, no. You don’t have to yield to the compromise
00:38:18,940 –> 00:38:25,240
that’s demanded so step-sibling visits could occur, something like that. However, it’s sort of
00:38:25,320 –> 00:38:32,080
a spectrum. They’re more important than the neighbor kids. They’re not as important as
00:38:32,160 –> 00:38:37,460
full-blooded siblings. So there’s a place in between. So it all depends on the context.
00:38:38,260 –> 00:38:43,080
One of the good ways to put it is, no, it’s not considered unless somebody brings it up.
00:38:43,360 –> 00:38:50,560
That’s an important part. But a lot of times judges know here again, did the judge have an experience in their lives?
00:38:50,560 –> 00:38:54,720
Or maybe the judge is not a step parent, but the judge has a daughter who’s a step parent.
00:38:54,930 –> 00:39:00,360
So the judge has their own opinions that could say, well, hold on, it’s 2025.
00:39:01,220 –> 00:39:08,120
We could look at the step parent’s schedule and we all have blended families to consider in this context, at least.
00:39:08,260 –> 00:39:12,100
Or some judges will say, no, they’re not on the caption.
00:39:12,220 –> 00:39:13,820
They’re not the family that I’m addressing.
00:39:14,380 –> 00:39:15,020
These aren’t the parties.
00:39:15,640 –> 00:39:16,380
So it really depends.
00:39:16,900 –> 00:39:18,880
But let me give you a little bit more context.
00:39:19,360 –> 00:39:30,320
If there is a holiday schedule that your ex’s new wife has with her kids, that might relate to the holiday schedule that is being created right now.
00:39:30,380 –> 00:39:36,260
Why would we not consider that holiday schedule is more likely to lead to conflict among the families?
00:39:36,280 –> 00:39:39,480
We create a court order that is going to be unworkable for the family.
00:39:39,540 –> 00:39:40,480
And we already know that.
00:39:40,900 –> 00:39:41,240
Right, right.
00:39:41,260 –> 00:39:42,020
We can see this coming.
00:39:42,320 –> 00:39:45,700
And so in that sense, yeah, we do consider the step siblings.
00:39:46,000 –> 00:39:54,540
And oftentimes, too, if the ex’s new spouse has, let’s say, part of their schedule being every other Friday to Sunday,
00:39:54,720 –> 00:39:59,220
if your ex is going to be getting every other Friday through Sunday as part of their schedule,
00:39:59,740 –> 00:40:03,120
it probably would be the same one so all the kids could be together.
00:40:03,580 –> 00:40:04,120
Maybe not.
00:40:04,380 –> 00:40:05,500
Maybe they don’t want it that way.
00:40:05,640 –> 00:40:09,520
So they can have individual time with individual kids, but then they would never have a weekend on their own.
00:40:09,520 –> 00:40:15,160
And they would never be able to take a trip with all the kids, stepkids and bio kids and bio kids and stepkids.
00:40:15,620 –> 00:40:18,460
That’s why a lot of times that will be considered.
00:40:18,800 –> 00:40:23,220
It also just helps for continuity and for the fluidity.
00:40:23,340 –> 00:40:30,520
And it’s less likely that someone is going to make a mistake or forget if they have two schedules to worry about than if they’re the same and they can worry about just one.
00:40:30,760 –> 00:40:33,120
Sometimes simplicity is the best answer.
00:40:33,760 –> 00:40:47,040
So the visitation and maybe the visitation schedule of your ex’s new spouse is a great schedule and you should consider adopting it because it’s really nifty and it really works out for everyone.
00:40:47,880 –> 00:40:53,480
There’s nothing that you need to necessarily be closed minded about just because it relates to the other parent.
00:40:53,650 –> 00:41:00,940
And sometimes it actually is necessary to be open minded, unfortunately, because of the reasons that we’ve already talked about.
00:41:01,460 –> 00:41:06,940
We could predict some of these problems if there is inconsistency in schedules.
00:41:07,390 –> 00:41:07,560
Sure.
00:41:07,590 –> 00:41:08,020
It’s predictable.
00:41:08,450 –> 00:41:08,640
Sure.
00:41:09,070 –> 00:41:10,900
So predictable problems.
00:41:11,539 –> 00:41:20,360
I’m a stepmother, and the mommy and me donut day in kindergarten falls on my husband’s time.
00:41:21,380 –> 00:41:23,220
That’s my event to go to then, right?
00:41:23,380 –> 00:41:23,960
It depends.
00:41:24,760 –> 00:41:32,780
You see, we’ve also gotten this with the daddy-daughter dance as well, where stepdad wants to take stepdaughter to the daddy-daughter dance.
00:41:33,220 –> 00:41:39,780
Well, I think in your example, it was during the parents’ time that has the new partner, right?
00:41:40,040 –> 00:41:41,980
So first off, is everyone okay with it?
00:41:42,040 –> 00:41:42,860
Everyone’s okay with it?
00:41:43,000 –> 00:41:43,880
Then let’s do it.
00:41:43,940 –> 00:41:44,500
The more positive.
00:41:44,500 –> 00:41:45,160
Let’s all be there.
00:41:45,600 –> 00:41:46,960
Let’s have all the moms there.
00:41:47,420 –> 00:41:47,600
Right.
00:41:47,690 –> 00:41:53,480
The more positive, loving, good, healthy, influential role models that this child has in this child’s life,
00:41:53,660 –> 00:41:54,840
the better this child’s going to be.
00:41:55,200 –> 00:41:58,180
And that includes for donuts with moms and donuts with dads.
00:41:58,860 –> 00:42:01,300
So, however, if there’s only one parent permitted,
00:42:01,560 –> 00:42:03,740
or if there’s a big conflict where these two people,
00:42:03,820 –> 00:42:05,600
we know they can’t be in the same place at the same time.
00:42:05,840 –> 00:42:10,560
We don’t want the daddy-daughter bowling event to end in fisticuffs.
00:42:10,800 –> 00:42:11,900
Generally, no, we don’t.
00:42:12,120 –> 00:42:17,340
And generally, the court is going to be sympathetic to a dad that says,
00:42:17,660 –> 00:42:18,120
I’m the dad.
00:42:18,540 –> 00:42:20,760
I’m the one that should take the child to the daddy-daughter dance.
00:42:21,140 –> 00:42:23,160
Or the court is going to be sympathetic to someone that says,
00:42:23,480 –> 00:42:28,840
I’m the mom. How come stepmom is going with, you know, donut, dad or daughter, donut, whatever?
00:42:29,720 –> 00:42:35,240
Why don’t I get to go? But you have to mean it. It’s not just they don’t get to go because I’m
00:42:35,340 –> 00:42:39,660
the one who’s supposed to. It’s did you care about this? Did you know about this? Did you ask about
00:42:39,920 –> 00:42:45,760
this? Because on your hypothetical, it was on the parenting time of the parent with a new spouse
00:42:46,120 –> 00:42:52,639
that’s wanting to do it. So in that instance, then it would be on the bio dad or the natural
00:42:52,660 –> 00:42:58,900
parent that wants to be a part of the event to say, okay, other parent, I know it’s your time,
00:42:59,440 –> 00:43:03,400
but because this is the parent-child thing and I’m the parent that fits in this parent-child thing,
00:43:03,560 –> 00:43:07,340
I want to be the one to take them. Can I take them even though it’s your time? And if that didn’t
00:43:07,550 –> 00:43:12,780
happen and then the morning comes and then the step-parent takes the child and then the natural
00:43:12,940 –> 00:43:17,380
parent has all been out of shape, where were they? Did they care enough to even ask? Did they know
00:43:17,560 –> 00:43:22,620
that it was even on the schedule? Is this something that they would have just blown off anyways if it
00:43:22,640 –> 00:43:25,520
wasn’t because this other person was trying to love their kid.
00:43:26,520 –> 00:43:31,360
And I think we see this with a lot of events that are not, you know, gendered or specifically
00:43:31,470 –> 00:43:32,700
moms or specifically dads.
00:43:32,970 –> 00:43:37,280
We see this with, you know, I don’t want him at football practice, but I haven’t shown
00:43:37,380 –> 00:43:38,920
up for football practice all year either.
00:43:39,310 –> 00:43:42,740
You know, I don’t want him at the high school graduation, but P.S.
00:43:42,880 –> 00:43:45,340
when, what time and date was that?
00:43:45,560 –> 00:43:47,680
And can you pick me up on the way?
00:43:48,140 –> 00:43:48,960
Right, right.
00:43:49,100 –> 00:43:49,300
Yeah.
00:43:49,590 –> 00:43:52,260
So what, to what level can we say?
00:43:52,320 –> 00:44:02,260
These are events that are for the natural parents only, no step parents allowed when it comes to those graduations and school plays and things like that.
00:44:02,620 –> 00:44:09,440
Right. And you’ll see it also when the mom, hypothetically, the mom has the new husband.
00:44:09,890 –> 00:44:13,180
The mom brings the child to the doctor and brings the new husband to the doctor.
00:44:13,550 –> 00:44:17,500
And the dad is very upset about that, except the dad doesn’t go to the doctor’s appointments.
00:44:17,900 –> 00:44:21,740
So the dad probably can’t name the doctor in these sorts of instances.
00:44:21,740 –> 00:44:23,460
Right, right, right. That’s the type of, that’s,
00:44:23,620 –> 00:44:25,880
that’s the person that gets upset about the stepdad being present.
00:44:26,760 –> 00:44:31,320
So now if the dad is present and the stepdad comes in and wants to be Billy
00:44:31,540 –> 00:44:33,240
Badass and say, doctor,
00:44:33,300 –> 00:44:36,280
let me tell you how to do this and you should put the child on this medication
00:44:36,640 –> 00:44:38,520
because that’s what the so-and-so told me, heaven,
00:44:38,620 –> 00:44:41,040
that’s how I did it before. And my uncle’s a doctor.
00:44:41,140 –> 00:44:43,740
And I think you should consider this medicine then. Okay.
00:44:43,820 –> 00:44:44,760
That’s a very different story.
00:44:45,620 –> 00:44:51,460
That’s not somebody who is there for a positive reason, you know, not somebody who’s there to help.
00:44:51,680 –> 00:45:04,200
It also is probably a one-way ticket to this medical office letting you know that, you know, this child is no longer a patient because of the conflict that is created every time the child has an appointment.
00:45:04,980 –> 00:45:17,640
You know, we kind of have to think of what we’re putting teachers and principals and Girl Scout leaders and doctors through when, you know, the circus comes to town every time this child has an event.
00:45:18,180 –> 00:45:26,800
Right. Big time. Big time. And there’s so much pressure on the administrators and schools and the medical providers and the teachers.
00:45:27,180 –> 00:45:33,760
so much that it’s almost like they’re put into a compromising position intentionally by aggressive
00:45:34,160 –> 00:45:40,080
parents that end up having a less good resource for their kid, ultimately, at the end of the day.
00:45:40,380 –> 00:45:46,680
That’s what happens. So it’s unfortunate and everyone should have a little more patience and
00:45:46,980 –> 00:45:53,259
tolerance, in my opinion. Absolutely. Can a new spouse’s income be included in child support
00:45:53,300 –> 00:45:58,820
calculations? Good question. It depends. Often the way that it will work is that the new spouse’s
00:45:58,910 –> 00:46:04,560
income will not be considered because it’s the income of the parents that’s considered. And in
00:46:04,860 –> 00:46:10,720
the state of Illinois, we have a comparative income model where both the parents’ incomes
00:46:11,180 –> 00:46:17,920
will be considered for child support determination purposes. So your question is, what about the
00:46:17,920 –> 00:46:23,240
spouse of one of the parents? Short answer, they won’t be considered because the income of each
00:46:23,260 –> 00:46:31,180
the parents are considered. However… Yeah, tell me what happens when my ex no longer works because
00:46:31,400 –> 00:46:35,340
they are supported by the new spouse. They’re a stay-at-home spouse now. They’re a stay-at-home
00:46:35,470 –> 00:46:40,680
parent, and there’s zero income to consider. Now, can we bring that step-parent’s income into the
00:46:40,720 –> 00:46:45,920
calculation? Yes, usually. So it’s going to depend on your judge. Some judges are more flexible and
00:46:46,100 –> 00:46:50,940
eager to use the new spouse’s income. Some, even when maybe it wouldn’t be necessary, and some
00:46:50,960 –> 00:46:56,220
judges will push out and say, we’re not using the new spouse’s income regardless. But generally,
00:46:56,570 –> 00:47:02,020
it sort of works like you said, where if they are supported by their new spouse, and that’s
00:47:02,260 –> 00:47:07,720
basically their source of income, well, then now we have a different situation. If they have their
00:47:07,840 –> 00:47:14,060
own incomes, then it would be probably the income of the parent that’s considered. But they also look
00:47:14,060 –> 00:47:19,420
at the history too. How has the income been historically of this parent? So if you have a
00:47:19,440 –> 00:47:24,120
parent who’s had a hundred thousand dollar income every year for the past five or ten years and then
00:47:24,120 –> 00:47:28,800
they get married and they still work but now they have a twenty thousand dollar income that’s very
00:47:28,940 –> 00:47:33,600
different and it appears that they’re intentionally underemployed and so yes you would consider
00:47:33,860 –> 00:47:38,560
potentially the income of the other parents or another way and judges would often address this by
00:47:38,900 –> 00:47:44,559
what’s called imputing income and to impute income is to apply income that doesn’t actually exist
00:47:44,560 –> 00:47:49,640
there. And so the judge might say, I’m not going to look at the income of the new spouse. However,
00:47:50,120 –> 00:47:53,140
I’m just going to do the math as if you still have a hundred thousand and that you didn’t bring
00:47:53,260 –> 00:47:56,620
yourself down to 20,000 when you became stay at home dad and then started working part-time from
00:47:56,720 –> 00:48:01,240
home or whatever it was that you did to change your income. So again, the history of the income
00:48:01,460 –> 00:48:06,760
and the historical practices, the patterns, behaviors, course of conduct, all of that matters
00:48:06,920 –> 00:48:11,560
for assessing whether now we’re going to look at the new spouse, because if the income is the same
00:48:11,580 –> 00:48:16,240
as when the person was on their own, then it’s a lot less likely that the new spouse’s income will
00:48:16,240 –> 00:48:21,720
be considered. But the best example, like you had said, Beth, is this person just stops working and
00:48:21,800 –> 00:48:26,280
becomes a stay-at-home parent. Then yeah, then their wife’s income would be considered or the
00:48:26,460 –> 00:48:30,400
judge might just apply their old income that they had before they voluntarily became unemployed to
00:48:30,760 –> 00:48:36,740
stay at home. Ex and new spouse have another child. Where does that come into the child support
00:48:36,900 –> 00:48:40,540
calculations? My ex is now saying, you know, they’ve got double the amount of kids, so they’re
00:48:40,560 –> 00:48:45,040
going to give me half the child support that I was ordered. Explain to us how that works.
00:48:45,500 –> 00:48:48,980
So it doesn’t work like that. If you have half the number of kids, it doesn’t cut your child
00:48:49,080 –> 00:48:53,320
support in half. And likewise, if you have twice as many kids, it doesn’t double your child support
00:48:53,560 –> 00:48:59,260
either. But in child support determinations, the existence of another child that you support
00:48:59,900 –> 00:49:04,640
is considered as part of the calculation. So if it’s a prior child from a previous relationship,
00:49:04,820 –> 00:49:08,520
if it’s a new child from a subsequent relationship, that child is going to be
00:49:08,740 –> 00:49:11,660
basically cause a credit in the calculation for child support. So yes.
00:49:12,280 –> 00:49:17,460
All right. Thank you. So in the scenario where I’m a step-parent and the natural parent of this
00:49:17,620 –> 00:49:22,540
child noped out a long time ago, they’re not involved. They don’t call. They don’t pay support.
00:49:23,240 –> 00:49:29,720
They’re just completely uninvolved. What’s my legal solution to be a more legal guardian and
00:49:29,720 –> 00:49:34,400
to be the person who gets to sign the name, my name in the dad field? How does that work?
00:49:34,600 –> 00:49:52,620
Good question. So what you described as noping out, I would describe as abandonment, desertion, or a failure to maintain a reasonable degree of interest in the relationship and the well-being of the minor. Now, that would be the standard for the unfitness or termination of rights for an adoption.
00:49:53,100 –> 00:50:17,860
So if a dad or a mom is found to be unfit because they noped out, so to speak, or because of some other reason, then they could have their parental rights terminated and an adoption can occur where a new parent steps into the shoes of the former parent and now becomes for all legal purposes, inheritance, decision making, authority, signing that name is dad on the registration paperwork that you were talking about, all of that.
00:50:17,940 –> 00:50:20,800
That would all apply as part of an adoption.
00:50:21,040 –> 00:50:25,280
So an adoption is a really big deal and it’s permanent and irreversible.
00:50:25,800 –> 00:50:32,780
But one thing to consider to allow authority for a step-parent to have is something called a short-term guardianship affidavit.
00:50:33,120 –> 00:50:44,400
Now, that would be something signed by the parents to allow a third party to make decisions medically in case of an incident where there needs to be medical decision made or to even register the child for school.
00:50:45,140 –> 00:50:47,720
There can be a delegation of parental authority.
00:50:48,160 –> 00:50:52,060
So that way the parents could say, we’re going to on a temporary basis, and it can be revoked
00:50:52,080 –> 00:50:52,560
at any time.
00:50:52,940 –> 00:50:56,680
We’re going to on a temporary basis allow this step parent to be able to make decisions
00:50:57,100 –> 00:50:58,340
in the event of an emergency.
00:50:58,840 –> 00:51:03,660
And so that’s another useful tool, useful document that you can use to create some legal
00:51:04,120 –> 00:51:05,380
authority for a step parent.
00:51:05,620 –> 00:51:05,800
Okay.
00:51:06,100 –> 00:51:06,320
Thank you.
00:51:06,740 –> 00:51:06,980
All right.
00:51:07,120 –> 00:51:13,520
In this question, I am the step parent and I am unfortunately going to be divorcing the
00:51:13,540 –> 00:51:19,280
natural parent of this child that I’ve lived with for 10 years, do I have any right for a parenting
00:51:19,460 –> 00:51:24,880
time schedule, visitation, continued relationship with my stepchild? Because I’m not going to divorce
00:51:24,880 –> 00:51:32,620
the kids. I’m just going to divorce the spouse. Yes. So there usually isn’t. So the long story
00:51:32,900 –> 00:51:38,800
short is that if the biological parents don’t want another person like a step-parent to have
00:51:38,820 –> 00:51:44,460
visitation, then it normally does not happen. However, there are very limited exceptions for
00:51:44,530 –> 00:51:49,940
step-parent visitation. So if there is an established relationship that has to exist for
00:51:49,940 –> 00:51:55,980
a certain number of years long-term, and then there is a divorce and the child is over 12,
00:51:56,440 –> 00:52:01,780
the step-child and the step-child wishes to have visits, and it is found to be in the child’s best
00:52:02,000 –> 00:52:06,740
interest, then visitation can occur for certain step-parents. And that could be like every other
00:52:06,760 –> 00:52:11,720
weekend. It can be once a month. A step-parent could have every other Christmas Eve or something
00:52:11,840 –> 00:52:16,780
like that, every other birthday or some time around the child’s birthday to celebrate, even if it’s not
00:52:16,900 –> 00:52:21,060
on the child’s birthday. If there’s a long established relationship and it’s healthy and
00:52:21,120 –> 00:52:25,220
it’s in the child’s best interest and the child is of a certain age, the relationship is of a
00:52:25,340 –> 00:52:29,900
certain length and the child wishes to have this relationship, then yeah, the judge can do a
00:52:30,140 –> 00:52:34,040
visitation schedule for a step-parent. Yep. All right. Thank you. That wraps up the questions
00:52:34,060 –> 00:52:38,960
that I have, is there any general advice that you want to give people about step parenting
00:52:39,520 –> 00:52:46,800
relationships and the family court system? I would say that a lot of times the court doesn’t have
00:52:47,340 –> 00:52:53,940
feelings about the situation. The court doesn’t necessarily look at how it could be. There are a
00:52:53,960 –> 00:52:58,600
lot of times positions where a step parent puts himself in where they could do something really
00:52:58,820 –> 00:53:04,020
bad. And if you were to point out to a judge, look, they put themselves in a position where
00:53:04,040 –> 00:53:08,620
could do something really bad until and unless they actually do something really bad there might not be
00:53:08,620 –> 00:53:15,120
any recourse and there might not be any consequence so the court doesn’t look at someone as an outsider
00:53:15,480 –> 00:53:19,880
just because they’re a step parent the court is more inclined to look at them like an opportunity
00:53:20,320 –> 00:53:26,060
for a positive influence and until and unless and maybe they do show themselves to be nothing but
00:53:26,260 –> 00:53:31,680
trouble but until they show themselves to be part of the problem instead of part of the solution
00:53:31,700 –> 00:53:34,300
The court’s going to give them a chance, and I think you should too.
00:53:34,500 –> 00:53:44,720
If you want to schedule a consultation with Attorney Zach Townsend, visit our website at ProLegalCare.com or call or text us at 815-200-8802.
00:53:45,600 –> 00:53:46,680
And thanks for listening today.
00:53:48,000 –> 00:53:48,180
Thanks.
